LEAVING AMERICA

have i lost my faith? i always thought i was a good american. i remember the Reagan years, when everything was black and white, bbq cookoffs, cut off blue jean shorts, bottled coca cola... questioning the government and standing up for what you believe in used to be 'patriotic'.. isn't that the definition of patriotism???
Noun
1.
patriotism - love of country and willingness to sacrifice for it

i guess i am not a patriot, after all... my whole life plan now centers on leaving my country, to follow dreams elsewhere that can never be realized here. the same reason so many come to my country has caused me to want to leave. all i want is to be happy. selfish, i know, but i believe that when i am happy, i cause the people around me to be happy, and vice versa, so it works for the common good in a way.. i am not a quitter. i am scrimping and saving and working hard to retire before 40 in paradise. i guess then i will be called an 'ex patriot'. job opportunities are abundant for me in argentina. i really wont even have to work. i can grow my own veggies. i can write, paint.. this is the fantasy that plays over and over in my mind every night before i fall asleep. i just want to be a country girl, and a good wife and mother. i think i was born in the wrong century. blah.. no more rambling, back to work...

have you ever had so much on your mind that you go completely blank? i am usually very level headed and good at sorting things, solving obstacles one at a time until they are all gone, but lately i think i have overloaded my brain. since friday i have been a complete blank. it's never happened before. i feel like i finally used the last little brain cell i had left and my brain overheated like a bad radiator. i guess it was just a matter of time. i dont know why it had to happen now. i really need to be thinking straight this week. i have my resume out to 8 different companies around town, two interviews already set up and i start my night job at the restaurant saturday... i need to work hard for the next few months. i have cancelled my dr's appointment for the 3rd time, and i really need to go. i'm tired of having my blood drawn. i pass out everytime. apparently, i dont have enough blood or something. its a weird thing, pernicious anemia. i take supplements for my psychological benefit. my body won't absorb them, but it makes me feel better nonetheless... i'm so sleepy i almost fall asleep driving home from work everyday. i pull energy out of my toes just to get out of bed and work and take care of the kids. i dont want to be a sickly mom. i grew up with one and i hated her. thankfully, i have two other mothers that are healthy and sane.. (to a degree) ha just kidding... my husband finally has a sponser, but his family is dissapointed that they will be visiting america before we visit argentina. i cant wait to meet them. even long distance, they treat me like family. if i can work really hard, move into an apartment cutting my bills in half, and save some money, maybe i really can open my own restaurant. it's a stupid dream i know, but i think it might be do-able. i have 3 weeks to write a proposal for this grant, but i dont think i'm going to meet the deadline. might have to wait until next year.. it's not as easy as i thought it was. they want quotes and figures and estimates that take a lot of time to collect. i'm going to do my best, but i think my main focus right now is working as many jobs as a human possibly can. it might mean resigning from my current office position, and i am really nervous about that. i feel like a failure. i feel like my family is going to look down on me if i dont succeed here. but then, i guess i already have succeeded here. the office is up and running, which is more than you could have said about it 8 months ago. i cant work with my brother anymore. i expected him to be hard on me, but i didnt expect to have to prove myself over and over again. he is making some bad decisions in the office, and to toot my own horn a little, the biggest one is not recognizing how much i am doing for him. i am personally concerned about the success of this office, unlike all the other employees, and he should trust me above all the others, but i guess people never change, no matter how much effort you put into the relationship, professional or otherwise. it's hard for me to make a decision right now. i am seriously worn out- but this is the time for a choice, and i guess i am going with the hard one, two jobs for which i care nothing about. i will work only for a paycheck again, until i can have my own business to care about. i just want to be stable. i feel like my whole life has been a struggle to reach that point, only to have to quit and start over again. it's not exciting this time, it's a chore. everything i have done for the past year of my life is meaningless once again, and i have to start over AGAIN... maybe Chris is right. maybe i do have a dark cloud hanging over my head all the time. at least i have a hot italian husband that loves me!!! :)

mistakes

i do a lot of thinking. this has caused me a lot of heartache in the past. as i grow older, i realize that sometimes it's best to limit yourself to thinking about the here and now and the near future rather than trying to sort out the past... i spent several years of my life searching for my biological family, not realizing that my adopted family actually loved me. i always felt so different from them. they were so athletic and business oriented, and i was more of a computer/writer/ introspective/ sarcastic/pouty girl. i felt rejected. i wanted to be like them. i never hated them, yet i never understood them completely at all. i should have communicated more. the thing is, my life was on complete hold until i could find my birth mother. it was as if the world had stopped when i was 8 years old, and i couldnt allow myself to finish anything, i felt like i didnt even know who i was. it's hard to explain what that feeling is. mostly just an empty hollow feeling. i allowed it to seep into everything that i did. i detached myself from every conversation, from every relationship, and my life suffered. of course, now that i have found her, i can move on. it wasnt the hollywood ending that i had hoped for, but at least now i can see where i would have been had she kept me, and the difference my adopted family has made in my life. i suppose it made me appreciate them more. i feel like a whole person now, and after spending a few years living close to her, all i wanted to do is be close to my real family again. i'm still not good enough. i've wasted so much time. it's hard to always be starting over. it's hard to never confide in anyone. i have so many 'smoke break at the office' friends and 'wave at the grocery store' friends, but really the only true friend i have is my husband, and i am still scared to get too close to him. i've always tried not to, but sometimes you have to let go. he has done a lot of things for me in this past year. we have a lot to look forward to in 2008. i cant wait to have all of our plans come to fruition and see the proud looks on my parents' faces. thats all i wanted anyway. i wish i wasnt such a jerk. i wish i could just write a check and not worry about all they have wasted on me. i know they just want me to be successful. i guess all i can do now is give it everything i've got and see what happens. i know i can be successful at anything i try. i just have to try something...