mistakes

i do a lot of thinking. this has caused me a lot of heartache in the past. as i grow older, i realize that sometimes it's best to limit yourself to thinking about the here and now and the near future rather than trying to sort out the past... i spent several years of my life searching for my biological family, not realizing that my adopted family actually loved me. i always felt so different from them. they were so athletic and business oriented, and i was more of a computer/writer/ introspective/ sarcastic/pouty girl. i felt rejected. i wanted to be like them. i never hated them, yet i never understood them completely at all. i should have communicated more. the thing is, my life was on complete hold until i could find my birth mother. it was as if the world had stopped when i was 8 years old, and i couldnt allow myself to finish anything, i felt like i didnt even know who i was. it's hard to explain what that feeling is. mostly just an empty hollow feeling. i allowed it to seep into everything that i did. i detached myself from every conversation, from every relationship, and my life suffered. of course, now that i have found her, i can move on. it wasnt the hollywood ending that i had hoped for, but at least now i can see where i would have been had she kept me, and the difference my adopted family has made in my life. i suppose it made me appreciate them more. i feel like a whole person now, and after spending a few years living close to her, all i wanted to do is be close to my real family again. i'm still not good enough. i've wasted so much time. it's hard to always be starting over. it's hard to never confide in anyone. i have so many 'smoke break at the office' friends and 'wave at the grocery store' friends, but really the only true friend i have is my husband, and i am still scared to get too close to him. i've always tried not to, but sometimes you have to let go. he has done a lot of things for me in this past year. we have a lot to look forward to in 2008. i cant wait to have all of our plans come to fruition and see the proud looks on my parents' faces. thats all i wanted anyway. i wish i wasnt such a jerk. i wish i could just write a check and not worry about all they have wasted on me. i know they just want me to be successful. i guess all i can do now is give it everything i've got and see what happens. i know i can be successful at anything i try. i just have to try something...