have you ever had so much on your mind that you go completely blank? i am usually very level headed and good at sorting things, solving obstacles one at a time until they are all gone, but lately i think i have overloaded my brain. since friday i have been a complete blank. it's never happened before. i feel like i finally used the last little brain cell i had left and my brain overheated like a bad radiator. i guess it was just a matter of time. i dont know why it had to happen now. i really need to be thinking straight this week. i have my resume out to 8 different companies around town, two interviews already set up and i start my night job at the restaurant saturday... i need to work hard for the next few months. i have cancelled my dr's appointment for the 3rd time, and i really need to go. i'm tired of having my blood drawn. i pass out everytime. apparently, i dont have enough blood or something. its a weird thing, pernicious anemia. i take supplements for my psychological benefit. my body won't absorb them, but it makes me feel better nonetheless... i'm so sleepy i almost fall asleep driving home from work everyday. i pull energy out of my toes just to get out of bed and work and take care of the kids. i dont want to be a sickly mom. i grew up with one and i hated her. thankfully, i have two other mothers that are healthy and sane.. (to a degree) ha just kidding... my husband finally has a sponser, but his family is dissapointed that they will be visiting america before we visit argentina. i cant wait to meet them. even long distance, they treat me like family. if i can work really hard, move into an apartment cutting my bills in half, and save some money, maybe i really can open my own restaurant. it's a stupid dream i know, but i think it might be do-able. i have 3 weeks to write a proposal for this grant, but i dont think i'm going to meet the deadline. might have to wait until next year.. it's not as easy as i thought it was. they want quotes and figures and estimates that take a lot of time to collect. i'm going to do my best, but i think my main focus right now is working as many jobs as a human possibly can. it might mean resigning from my current office position, and i am really nervous about that. i feel like a failure. i feel like my family is going to look down on me if i dont succeed here. but then, i guess i already have succeeded here. the office is up and running, which is more than you could have said about it 8 months ago. i cant work with my brother anymore. i expected him to be hard on me, but i didnt expect to have to prove myself over and over again. he is making some bad decisions in the office, and to toot my own horn a little, the biggest one is not recognizing how much i am doing for him. i am personally concerned about the success of this office, unlike all the other employees, and he should trust me above all the others, but i guess people never change, no matter how much effort you put into the relationship, professional or otherwise. it's hard for me to make a decision right now. i am seriously worn out- but this is the time for a choice, and i guess i am going with the hard one, two jobs for which i care nothing about. i will work only for a paycheck again, until i can have my own business to care about. i just want to be stable. i feel like my whole life has been a struggle to reach that point, only to have to quit and start over again. it's not exciting this time, it's a chore. everything i have done for the past year of my life is meaningless once again, and i have to start over AGAIN... maybe Chris is right. maybe i do have a dark cloud hanging over my head all the time. at least i have a hot italian husband that loves me!!! :)